BE AFRAID.

Kooky weather? Global Warming? Frauds! (Don’t really mean that. Just trying to make a point.)

Seven billion people packed on Mother Earth, forced to share resources?  No Big Deal.  (Ditto.)

Wars overseas, banks run amok, Greek debt, an economy tanked, unemployment sky-high, and not a leader in sight to guide us out of this mess?  Child’s play! (Double ditto.)

Citizens, we have a much more pressing crisis; one that threatens not only our national security, but the very existence of planet earth. 

Laundry.

Yes.  You read that correctly.  L-A-U-N-D-R-Y.

Filthy, foul smelling, and propagator of mold, laundry is replicating at an alarming rate. In just one home in WNY, it has occupied an entire downstairs room, and is invading whole sections of closets, stairwells and floors upstairs.  

A cunning foe. Stain-stuck, washed, softened, dried, then tossed in a basket, laundry can remain sedentary for months; resisting all attempts at being folded or tucked in drawers.

Refuses negotiation. Clinging to its basket like aliens to a home ship, laundry has shunned the always-willing-to-help hands of children and husbands- allowing contact only with mom or wife.

Unresponsive to torture. Laundry has been ignored on carpets and floors- stepped on, kicked, dragged, then hauled back to its special room, where it is flung onto another proliferating pile of laundry.  

It simply cannot be terminated.

Wreaking havoc on America’s overburdened  health-care system, laundry causes an untold number of work related injuries-from back pain to pruny fingers. Mental health care costs have increased a thousand-fold, with reports of domestic disturbances including uncontrollable weeping, exorcist-like shouts of ‘separate the colors!' and hallucinations depicting piles of laundry growing to beanstalk height. In families where children play outdoor sports year-round, laundry’s amoeba-like replication rates have led to a 558%  increase in the use of Xanax. A 47 year old woman, missing for months, was recently discovered beneath three hampers and a mound of whites and colors. Suffocated, her rigor-mortisized fingers were still clutching a near-empty bottle of Zout.

Hilary and Leon, forget about Terrorists and the Middle East. Focus on the War on Laundry.

NASA, you have time on your hands. Build a stink-resistant vessel that can transport all laundry to Pluto: that poor, tiny X-planet could use some attention.  

Do-Nothing Congress, do some laundry. Perhaps then we’ll get a Congressional Inquiry into this national nightmare.

President Obama, give us back our homes. Our sanity. Issue a Presidential Directive ordering that Laundry-Care become our top National Priority.

Surely, it's the cause of kooky weather, global warming, and all things evil.  

On a daily basis, laundry threatens to destroy the existence of one sane, healthy and happy individual.  

Imagine what it might do to seven billion people.

QUING HEREBY DECREES:   Laundry, be GONE!