GIRL SCOUT COOKIES

I do not have to pause 16+ seconds to answer the question.

Yes, it's true. I adore children. 

 

Love them.   

They are, in fact, my favorite kind of people.  (No offense.)

Until Girl Scout cookie time. 

From early October till late November, my hermi-tendencies go into overdrive. I hide in the house, leaving the door, phone,  and email unanswered.  I venture out for emergencies only - to the grocery store, school, or church- making certain to keep my gaze at boot level and thus avoid all eye contact with Girl Scouts (or their moms, dads, troop leaders or grandmas.)

Before you judge me, consider: I was a Girl Scout until I grew out of being a girl. I was a Girl Scout leader until my girls grew out of being girls. For most of my life I have ironed badges, planned field trips, and gorilla-glued my fingertips together with insanely complicated crafts.  

Allow me to explain.

I cannot stand Girl Scout cookie time precisely because I love Girl Scout cookies.

Thin Mints: you slay me.

I abhor Girl Scout cookie time because when my kids were little, knocking on doors and asking friends and neighbors to sponsor their charities, or buy cookies, Band subs, Chorus Crunch bars, or Brownies for Haiti, I promised myself that I would always support children raising funds for a club or charity.

Promises-Made-Out-of-Guilt, you slay me.

I detest Girl Scout cookie time because Facebook, Droid and Twitter have made it all but impossible for me to hide from children attempting to raise funds for a club or charity.  

Technology, you slay me.  

I despise Girl Scout cookie time because when little girls look up at me-smiling, eager and hopeful- and ask if I will buy cookies, I never have the heart to say, "Sure, honey. I will take one box. Can I write you a check for 3.50?" 

Weak Personality and Empty Pocketbook, you slay me.

I hate Girl Scout cookie time because by the time our family has wolfed through six boxes of Thin Mints, Samoas and Peanut Butter Patties purchased from one girl scout-leaving the house blissfully cookie free- yet another adorable scout knocks on the door and hands me six boxes of cookies that I have ordered and will fail to resist.  

Girl Scout Recruiters, you slay me.   

The single most compelling reason why I loathe Girl Scout cookies?

When I was a child, silvery sleeves of Thin Mints contained 36 cookies and cost $1.50.  Each box I sold could last a week, and 64 treats cost only 2 cents per cookie. When my girls sold cookies, silvery sleeves held 24 cookies and cost $3. We received 48 cookies in a box that lasted half a week, and cost 6 cents per cookie. Today, silvery sleeves of Thin Mints hold 16 cookies and cost 3.50; which means I can eat a whole sleeve of cookies in just a few hours, and it will cost me 11 cents a cookie and 55 dollars for a new pair of jeans.

Inflation and Girl Scout Cookie Price Adjusters, you slay me.

The good news? I have four children who eat more cookies than I do (frightening,) and never fail to answer the door and purchase raffle tickets or treats from traveling saleskids.   

"Mom would want us to support you, and she loves Girl Scout cookies," they say, reaching into the change jar and counting up fourteen quarters to hand over to a child who'd prefer dollar bills.

Daughters and Sons, you slay me.

QUING Hereby Decrees:  Resistance to saleskids is futile.  Give in and eat the cookies, understanding that each calorie and gram of fat consumed is for a very good cause.