KID CHRISTMAS

No, I have not started Christmas shopping.

 

Or baking.

 

Or photographing kids, dog and tree for holiday cards. 

 

Our Christmas trees are still buck-naked and sucking water from buckets used to haul dirt in the off season. The garage smells like pine, rather than pick-your-sport gym clothes and cleats. Crates- stuffed with boxes stuffed with Christmas stuff- are all over the house. And the Dip-n-Dots fairy has littered our floors and carpets with teensy styrofoam bubbles, leaving nary a carton of ice cream behind. Thoughtful.

I am still decorating for Christmas. 

 

I am not stressed.

 

I am certifiable.  All great rulers are.

So, on this Monday, twenty days before Christmas, I hope to make you feel better about your life by allowing you a sneak peek at mine. I've been doing this with my friends for years. That's why they love me.

This is not an expose on the alarming lack of food or clean socks in our house. It is not about a glass cook-top that freakily shatters and resembles a Jack Frost masterpiece. It is not about ironing clothes till 2 am for game day, or a December calendar jam packed with obligation.

 

It is about candy canes.

 

Rewind to yesterday. A balmy 60 degrees, Buffalo is impersonating San Diego. I plan to decorate the outside of our house, and inform my housemates that I need help. I spend most of the afternoon alone; with Christmas tunes, fresh greens, 26 tangled strands of lights, and 687 candy canes.

 

Call it my Eldest-Child-has-Gone-off-to-College-Crisis, but I am in a Kid Christmas mood.  Kid Christmas is simple, but magazine-cover striking.  Scrap elegant white lights for a Christmas of red, green, yellow, blue and orange. Ditch pomegranates and jeweled fruit for candy canes and pinecones. Abandon Ipods and Hockey Jerseys for Legos, Candy Land, and Baby Dolls.

I begin with the wreaths.  Red ribbons, pinecones and candy canes- Kid Christmas fun!  I unwrap and fasten dozens of candy canes to each wreath. My housemates arrive. We hang garlands and lights.  Darkness arrives. Electricity spins its magic, and air traffic overhead slows so passengers can check out our sparkly neighborhood from 10,000 feet.

I sleep, content that the exterior of the house is Kid Christmas fun.

    

And then it rains.

And this morning I understand why I have never seen a Kid Christmas candy cane wreath on the cover of a magazine.

Because rain melts candy canes. Rain strips away pretty peppermint swirls, and drips them all over your wreath, door, doormat, and sidewalk. 

 

Rain in December is absurd.

 

But I am absurder.

And so, rather than driving to the craft store to purchase artificial candy canes (or to the grocery store to buy food and laundry detergent for my family) I unwrap another box of candy canes this morning, lining them on a tray so I can spray them with a stinky finish that protects paint from harsh elements.

As of this posting, all of the B Team candy canes are still wet.  And I am officially more ridiculous than I was this morning.

Where does this colossal waste of time fit on the list of my most astute Christmas moments? Clock Kid Christmas candy cane wreaths in at #5 (post children.)  Right after:

 1. Twenty years of trudging through frozen Christmas tree fields, searching for the perfect Douglas fir.  In my defense, there is always a bigger, fuller, prettier tree farther out in the field, and husband looks especially cute when he is chopping down a tree with one of his Big Boy Toys.

2.  Standing on the top rung of a 20 foot ladder in gale force winds- holding a wreath in one hand, and icicle lights in the other. That, times four windows, equals a panicked neighbor and a very bad example for my children.

3. Wrapping twenty feet tall white pillars in strips of red plastic table cloth so they'll look like candy canes.  Yes, I know that plastic traps moisture and makes sheets of paint fall off pillars. Thanks for asking.

4. Buying a drum set, an electric guitar and Rock Band for my boys; the very same year.   

Sigh. 

Feeling any better about your life?

QUING Hereby Decrees:  It's Christmastime. Skip the stress. Eat the candy canes.