CHRISTMAS PLANET

Kooky?  Think weather.

 

Record droughts, rainfall, floods, snowfall, extreme storms, temperature fluctuations.

 

Record levels of heat-trapping gases in the atmosphere. Accelerated melting of polar ice caps raising sea levels, and releasing even more dangerous gases into the atmosphere.  

Latest research? By 2100, earth's surface is on track to warm by 6.3 degrees. And yet, as twelve heads of state and some 130 ministers gather for United Nations climate talks in South Africa, the European debt crisis and U.S. economic woes occupy center stage. Global warming concerns have been banished to the wings.

That's why NASA is our hero.

Just yesterday NASA revealed that its Kepler space telescope has discovered an Earth-like world outside our solar system. Kepler 22-b is also known as the Christmas planet, because the final snapshot that confirmed its existence was snapped during the 2010 holiday season. It is one of thousands of planets discovered in the 'Goldilocks zone': that one-of-a-kind outer space place that's not too hot or too cold. Its surface temperature- approximately 72 degrees- is practically perfect for people, plants, animals, and water.

The Christmas planet may be too big for life to exist on its surface.  It may be made mostly of ocean and a rocky core.  But it shares key traits with Earth; circling a star that looks like a twin of our sun; having 290 days in its year, close to our own 365.

Color me excited. 

"This is a phenomenal discovery in the course of human history," writes Geoff Marcy of UC Berkeley. Marcy hunts planets outside our solar system with a bunch of other scientists who would be really fun to sit beside at a dinner party. "This discovery shows that we Homo sapiens are straining our reach into the universe to find planets that remind us of home. We are almost there."

The one challenge? Our Christmas planet is 600 light years away. That's 5.9 trillion miles for each light year. That's a space shuttle commute time of about 22 million years.

Which is why our physicists better get busy with neutrinos; the only particles that might possibly travel faster than light. Neutrinos must step up for mankind: take a shortcut through space, through extra dimensions, and get us to the Christmas planet.  Fast.  A week would be nice. Two weeks if we have to check all our earthly baggage. 

I volunteer to travel on the maiden voyage through those extra dimensions, and accept a temporary role as Quing of the Christmas planet. 

Below, in no particular order, is a list of the passengers I shall take along:

Terrorists.
Politicians who refuse to negotiate or compromise.
Fortune 500 companies that don’t pay taxes.
Mean people.
TV Pundits.

Spouses who publicly humiliate their families.
Holiday humbugs.
Bank executives who brought our economy to the brink.

Neighbors who don’t pick up after their dogs.
Adults who hurt kids.
Greedy people.

Telemarketers who won’t stop calling households at dinnertime.

Spammers.

Reality TV stars.

People who don't care.

Drug dealers.
Businesses that put dollars first, and employees and customers last.  

Sports figures and public personalities who set a bad example for kids.

Bullies.

Narcissists.

People who park in handicapped spots.

Paparazzi.

Bad drivers.

Jeff Bezos. 
Tim Tebow.

We will be pilgrims to our new world! Arnold can keep order. Pundits and politicians can make up laws; Elliot can uphold them. Kim & company, and the Jersey Shore stars can entertain us; Kate Gosselin can dish out discipline. Bankers and corporations can make up financial rules and businesses; Bezos can eventually one-up them. He can also rule the planet when I go back to earth.

Tim Tebow will captain our voyage. In a few short years, he will miraculously fix all of us, like he's fixing his passing game.

It'll be fun! So long as we pioneers remember that inhabiting the Christmas planet comes with a price: accepting peace on earth's twin, and goodwill for all.

QUING Hereby Decrees:  It's Christmastime. Skip the stress. Think out of the solar system.