BAIL

A 46-year-old woman is facing aggravated battery charges for allegedly stabbing a man during a heated argument.

According to a Palm Beach County Sheriff's deputy, the 56-year-old victim said he had been arguing with the woman about food. She was drinking a beer, and started throwing food out the door, because she was “sick” of cooking for him.

The victim threatened to cut "her pony tail off if she didn't stop throwing things."

So she picked up a kitchen knife, cut the phone line of the home, and stabbed the man in the left hand.

According to jail records, Our-Lady-of-Losing-It is being held at the Palm Beach County Jail “without bond.”

No bond.

No bail.

Instead, a question. 

If OLLI had no bond with Hair Clipper Cad, why didn’t she bail?

Lots of women who raised their kids and now find themselves imagining decades of wifely dutying - with a guy they view as more Dudly than Studly - are deciding they want out of their marriages.

Not OLLI.

Rather than tossing the dog out the door, she tossed the food. 

And protected her ponytail with a piercing that would make Sweeney Todd proud.

OLLI should have cooked up more creative ways to deal with her love bug.

That’s what I do.

Rewind to Blissfully Married Years 1-15.

Frustration happened. I didn't want to nag, or back Husband into a corner, triggering a defensive outburst.

So I engaged the Triple C System: Calm down. Choose appropriate words. Constructively communicate.
 
I’d say things like, "I think the cereal will stay fresher in the bag if you close it with a twist tie."  

Or "It would be really helpful if you’d drop the empty Sam Adams’ bottles and caps in the recycled bin. I’ll move it next to the counter."

Is P-a-s-s-i-v-e-a-g-r-e-s-s-i-v-e one word?

  
Fast forward to Blissfully Married Years 15-19 3/4.

The Triple C System was replaced by the Double Z System.

Zero-to Defcon 5 in a zip.

 
I say things like, "Oh, look. The Honey Nuts are ripening on the counter again. Stale, lucky them!"

Or "If I find one more beer cap in the utensil drawer, I’ll hot glue it to your putter."

Surely Husband wonders when his bride morphed from sweet to sarcastic.

If his bride still had anything remotely resembling a memory, she’d trace it back to the day she realized that the Triple C System is for toddlers and teenagers.

Not husbands.

OLLI and Hair Clipper Cad’s unfortunate adventure has made this old bride determined to steer clear of knives - and sarcasm - whenever I trip over a pile of dirty towels, or spot a cereal bowl and spoon on the toast-crumbed-and-jammed table.  

I will not use weapons or words to wound.

I’ll get creative.

1^st offense: Smile at that puppy dog "What’d I do? Why are you mad at me? I don't get it!" tilt of head and expression on Husband’s face. Then scoot him outside the back door for a few minutes - just like I do with the puppy.

2^nd offense: Store the TV remotes with the house-cleaning supplies. Husband will never know where to find them.

3^rd offense:  Drag IPAD, golf clubs, or flat screen TV (Husband’s choice) to the curb a half hour before our neighborhood’s 93 year-old treasure seeker begins his weekly rummaging through the recycling.  

Last resort?

Trade in the Double Z system for the simpler, more effective L-Quad System: Listen to me. Look out for me. Laugh with me. Love me.

It's employed by happily married couples all over the world. 

Couples who keep their bond, and never bail.

Even though they get sick of cooking.

QUING Hereby Decrees: Husband is a patient man. With a very good sense of humor.