BULLY

Fifth grade. I was a new student in the local elementary school.

Can't recall if I was standing in the cafeteria line, seated at a classroom desk, or walking down the hall with new friends.

But I do remember laughing. At the girl wearing pantyhose.

The kids I was with thought it was funny that a 10-year-old was wearing pantyhose - and heels - to school.

Decades later, the one detail I remember is the look on the girl's face- disbelief mingled with humiliation. Wounded, she valiantly attempted to ignore us and go on with her day.

I felt like a louse then, and even now as I reflect on my pettiness. So I'm trying to imagine being eighteen years old and tackling a fellow student, pinning him to the ground, and cutting his hair with a pair of scissors.

Imagine that.

Imagine forgetting that. 

On May 10th, The Washington Post published an article: 'Mitt Romney’s prep school classmates recall pranks, but also troubling incidents'.

The most troubling incident occurred in 1965 when new student John Lauber was "walking around the all-boys school with bleached-blond hair that draped over one eye." According to Romney's close friend, Matthew Friedemann, Romney was incensed by Lauber's look, stating, "He can’t look like that. That’s wrong. Just look at him!”

A few days later, Friedemann entered the school’s quad and found Romney "marching out of his own room ahead of a prep school posse shouting about their plan to cut Lauber’s hair. Friedemann followed them to a nearby room where they came upon Lauber, tackled him and pinned him to the ground. As Lauber, his eyes filling with tears, screamed for help, Romney repeatedly clipped his hair with a pair of scissors."

Five students recounted the incident similarly, adding that politics didn't influence their memory of the event.

Thomas Buford remembers helping Romney restrain Lauber. “It happened very quickly, and to this day it troubles me,” he said. “What a senseless, stupid, idiotic thing to do.”  He subsequently apologized to Lauber, who was “terrified.”

Phillip Maxwell, a childhood friend of Romney, was in the dorm room when the incident occurred. “It was a hack job,” he recalled. “It was vicious.”

Friedemann also said the incident transpired in a flash, with Romney leading cheering schoolmates back to his dorm room afterward.  Lauber "..was just easy pickin’s,” said Friedemann, expressing remorse that he failed to stop the attack.  He said he waited to see if Romney would get into trouble, as the prep school was known for strict discipline. Nothing happened.

Twenty-five years after the incident, classmate David Seed, who also witnessed the assault, bumped into Lauber at O’Hare International Airport. “I’m sorry that I didn’t do more to help in the situation,” he told Lauber.  “It was horrible,” Lauber responded, admitting how frightened he was during the incident. “It’s something I have thought about a lot since then.”

Apparently Romney didn't think much about the event.  In a live radio interview he said the incident involving John Lauber happened “a long time ago.” “I don’t remember that incident,” Romney said, laughing. “Back in high school, I did some dumb things, and if anybody was hurt by that or offended, obviously I apologize for that.”

Romney emphasized that after being married, and going on a Mormon mission to France, he is “a very different person.”

Not the kind of person who reflects on such egregious past behavior, and is appalled that he was involved in it. The kind of person who considers such an incident unremarkable.

Indeed, presidential candidate Romney suggested that we focus on what he considers bigger issues — the economy, energy and labor policies, Iran’s nuclear development.  “There’s going to be some that want to talk about high school,” he said. “Well, if you really think that’s important, be my guest.” 

Thank you kindly, Mr. Romney. Because I want to talk about high school.

Because actions and choices matter - in high school, and long beyond.

Lynda Frederick recently posted a poem about the bullying she endured in high school on her Class of 1987's 25th Reunion Facebook page. Frederick wrote:

that little girl who came to school with the clothes she wore the day before
instead of asking why.. you picked on her
the little girl who had to walk to school while others rode the bus
instead of asking why.. you picked on her
the little girl who had bruises and was dirty
instead of asking why.. you picked on her
the little girl who was always crying
instead of asking why.. you picked on her

Her post shamed former tormentors who pleaded for forgiveness. “They’re all apologizing now for how I was treated,” Frederick said. “I had one man call me up and we talked for an hour on the phone. He cried and cried. I kept saying, ‘You can’t fix yesterday, so let’s fix today.’”

Frederick hoped to send a message to her peers about how bullying affects victims. “It never leaves you,” she said. “I wanted people to know that for the one who is doing the bullying, it could just be a phase, but for the person who is being bullied, it stays with you all your life.

One Facebook user who read Frederick's poem responded, "This poem touched me so bad I could not sleep. I cried."

Other classmates said they feel overwhelmed by guilt. "Just people in tears, like 'How could we have done this to her... they were just crying, saying 'Why did I do that?'"

Enough people remembered, and repented, collecting more than $800 for an airline ticket to fly Frederick to California for the class reunion. They also set up a scholarship fund in her name. A former student called Frederick "my hero because she succeeded through all of this."

Bullying is a hot topic these days. Just last week, NY Times columnist Nicholas D. Kristof published the winning essay in a contest he ran for teenagers. Over 1200 essays about bullying were submitted.  Infused by both heartbreak and hope, many of the anecdotes are impossible to read without being moved. 

Student Paulina Puskala, 17, eloquently stated, “Today’s problem isn’t so much the bullying itself — bullying has been around for centuries....The problem is that it is difficult to escape it...Technology-enabled bullies contain the ability to harass 24/7.”

Kristof notes, "Many of the essay writers argue that adults are either oblivious to bullying or turn a blind eye to it."

Some adults even dismiss bullying as stupid high school shenanigans.

Which is why it's important to remember, and talk about such hijinks, especially when - 50 years later- they would be deemed assault.

If the independent recollections of five of his high school classmates are true, it is unimaginable that Mitt Romney does not remember his role as perpetrator of the attack on John Lauber.

More likely, Romney does recall the incident, and chose not to publicly admit such a shameful and potentially dangerous act, either for political reasons, or so as not to call his character into question.

But generations of adults like Lynda Frederick who were shaped by the bullying they endured as kids deserved better from a man who may be President.

1200+ essayists, who had the heart and nerve to write about being bullied, deserve better.

Countless students who are bullied and suffer silently, or end their young lives in utter despair deserve better.

And all those who bullied in the past, and later regretted and apologized for their actions deserve better.

Actions and choices matter - in high school, in adulthood, and all the days in between. 

Maturing, accepting responsibility for our actions past and present, and making amends to those we hurt matters.

We demand it of our children.   

Why not our politicians?

QUING Hereby Decrees: If you did it, admit it.  Two simple words, "I'm sorry," can change one's perspective, one's memory, one's heart.