Fifth grade. I was a new student in
the local elementary school.
Can't recall if I was standing in
the cafeteria line, seated at a classroom desk, or walking down the hall with
new friends.
But I do remember laughing. At the
girl wearing pantyhose.
The kids I was with thought it was
funny that a 10-year-old was wearing pantyhose - and heels - to school.
Decades later, the one detail I
remember is the look on the girl's face- disbelief mingled with humiliation.
Wounded, she valiantly attempted to ignore us and go on with her day.
I felt like a louse then, and even
now as I reflect on my pettiness. So I'm trying to imagine being eighteen years
old and tackling a fellow student, pinning him to the ground, and cutting his
hair with a pair of scissors.
Imagine that.
Imagine forgetting that.
On May 10th, The Washington Post
published an article: 'Mitt
Romney’s prep school classmates recall pranks, but also troubling incidents'.
The
most troubling incident occurred in 1965 when new student John Lauber was
"walking around the all-boys school with bleached-blond hair that draped
over one eye." According to Romney's close friend, Matthew Friedemann,
Romney was incensed by Lauber's look, stating, "He can’t look like that.
That’s wrong. Just look at him!”
A few days later, Friedemann
entered the school’s quad and found Romney "marching out of his own room
ahead of a prep school posse shouting about their plan to cut Lauber’s hair.
Friedemann followed them to a nearby room where they came upon Lauber, tackled
him and pinned him to the ground. As Lauber, his eyes filling with tears,
screamed for help, Romney repeatedly clipped his hair with a pair of
scissors."
Five students recounted the
incident similarly, adding that politics didn't influence their memory of the
event.
Thomas Buford remembers helping
Romney restrain Lauber. “It happened very quickly, and to this day it troubles
me,” he said. “What a senseless, stupid, idiotic thing to do.” He subsequently apologized to Lauber, who was
“terrified.”
Phillip Maxwell, a childhood friend
of Romney, was in the dorm room when the incident occurred. “It was a hack
job,” he recalled. “It was vicious.”
Friedemann also said the incident
transpired in a flash, with Romney leading cheering schoolmates back to his
dorm room afterward. Lauber "..was
just easy pickin’s,” said Friedemann, expressing remorse that he failed to stop
the attack. He said he waited to see if
Romney would get into trouble, as the prep school was known for strict
discipline. Nothing happened.
Twenty-five years after the
incident, classmate David Seed, who also witnessed the assault, bumped into
Lauber at O’Hare International Airport. “I’m sorry that I didn’t do more to
help in the situation,” he told Lauber.
“It was horrible,” Lauber responded, admitting how frightened he was
during the incident. “It’s something I have thought about a lot since then.”
Apparently Romney didn't think much
about the event. In a live radio
interview he said the incident involving John Lauber happened “a long time
ago.” “I don’t remember that incident,” Romney said, laughing. “Back in high
school, I did some dumb things, and if anybody was hurt by that or offended,
obviously I apologize for that.”
Romney emphasized that after being
married, and going on a Mormon mission to France, he is “a very different
person.”
Not the kind of person who reflects
on such egregious past behavior, and is appalled that he was involved in it.
The kind of person who considers such an incident unremarkable.
Indeed, presidential candidate Romney suggested that we focus on what he considers bigger issues — the economy, energy and labor policies,
Iran’s nuclear development. “There’s
going to be some that want to talk about high school,” he said. “Well, if you
really think that’s important, be my guest.”
Thank you
kindly, Mr. Romney. Because I want to talk about high school.
Because actions and choices
matter - in high school, and long beyond.
Lynda Frederick recently posted
a poem about the bullying she endured in high school on her Class of
1987's 25th Reunion Facebook page. Frederick wrote:
that little girl who came to
school with the clothes she wore the day before
instead of asking why.. you picked on her
the little girl who had to walk to school while others rode the bus
instead of asking why.. you picked on her
the little girl who had bruises and was dirty
instead of asking why.. you picked on her
the little girl who was always crying
instead of asking why.. you picked on her
Her post shamed former tormentors
who pleaded for forgiveness. “They’re all apologizing now for how I was
treated,” Frederick said. “I had one man call me up and we talked for an hour
on the phone. He cried and cried. I kept saying, ‘You can’t fix
yesterday, so let’s fix today.’”
Frederick hoped to send a message
to her peers about how bullying affects victims. “It never leaves you,” she
said. “I wanted people to know that for the one who is doing the bullying, it
could just be a phase, but for the person who is being bullied, it stays with
you all your life.
One Facebook user who read Frederick's poem responded,
"This poem touched me so bad I could not sleep. I cried."
Other classmates said they feel
overwhelmed by guilt. "Just people in tears, like 'How could we have done
this to her... they were just crying, saying 'Why did I do that?'"
Enough people remembered, and
repented, collecting more than $800 for an airline ticket to fly Frederick to
California for the class reunion. They also set up a scholarship fund in her
name. A former student called Frederick "my hero because she succeeded
through all of this."
Bullying is a hot topic these days.
Just last week, NY Times columnist
Nicholas D. Kristof published the winning essay in a contest he ran for
teenagers. Over 1200 essays about bullying were submitted. Infused by both heartbreak and hope, many of
the anecdotes are impossible to read without being moved.
Student Paulina Puskala, 17,
eloquently stated, “Today’s problem isn’t so much the bullying itself —
bullying has been around for centuries....The problem is that it is difficult
to escape it...Technology-enabled bullies contain the ability to harass 24/7.”
Kristof notes,
"Many of the essay writers argue that adults are either oblivious to
bullying or turn a blind eye to it."
Some adults even dismiss bullying
as stupid high school shenanigans.
Which is why it's important to
remember, and talk about such hijinks, especially when - 50 years later- they
would be deemed assault.
If the independent recollections of
five of his high school classmates are true, it is unimaginable that Mitt
Romney does not remember his role as perpetrator of the attack on John Lauber.
More likely, Romney does recall the
incident, and chose not to publicly admit such a shameful and potentially
dangerous act, either for political reasons, or so as not to call his character
into question.
But generations of adults like
Lynda Frederick who were shaped by the bullying they endured as kids deserved
better from a man who may be President.
1200+ essayists, who had the heart
and nerve to write about being bullied, deserve better.
Countless students who are bullied
and suffer silently, or end their young lives in utter despair deserve better.
And all
those who bullied in the past, and later regretted and apologized for their
actions deserve better.
Actions
and choices matter - in high school,
in adulthood, and all the days in between.
Maturing,
accepting responsibility for our actions past and present, and making amends to
those we hurt matters.
We demand
it of our children.
Why not
our politicians?
QUING
Hereby Decrees: If
you did it, admit it. Two simple words, "I'm sorry," can change one's
perspective, one's memory, one's heart.
